I haven’t written you a letter in the longest time. I’m sorry for that. I’ve seemed to still be so lost with my words. They slip through my hands and it’s been taking me a while to fix my grasp on them. I don’t how to say these things to you anymore. I feel like as we go farther down the line, the less we get to know each other. I find myself composing myself around you. Scared, terrified, not wanting to disappoint you. I hide from you. I hate it.
I miss the adoration from your eyes. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even want to look at me anymore. I never catch your stolen glances and it saddens me. Where did the heart in your eyes go? Suddenly, I can’t find myself in your eyes anymore. I miss the adoration from your touch. Sometimes I feel like you don’t want to touch me anymore. You rarely play with my hair, hold my hand first, linger your fingertips on my skin. Where did the magic of your touch go? Suddenly, I just feel alone. I miss the yearning of your touch.
I’m writing this as you’ve passed out from drinking a whole bottle of wine. I hate it when you do this. I hate it when you get drunk even if you know that I hate it whenever you get drunk. I hate it when you get drunk and you tell me to clean up after you mess. I hate it when you do this. So I’ve decided to eat your cereal first as an outlet for my annoyance. And I’m also sleeping on the couch. Why do you need to get drunk? Am I not enough for you anymore that you need to get drunk off of booze? I don’t know. I’m sorry if I’m too emotional or clingy. You know me, borderline bitch. But I’ve got to let these feelings out. I need to talk to you.
To be honest, these past few weeks, I’ve been feeling so unloved. I’ve been feeling so lonely. Sometimes it’s just not the same anymore. Instead of affection, it’s just full of arguments, silence, disappointment. You tell me you want to settle down with me. You tell me you love me because I make you feel alive. But I don’t feel alive anymore. I want us to work. I want this to be it.
Please work with me. I kiss you all the time. I ask for you hand. I touch you to show you my adoration for you. I try to not disappoint you. I hug you whenever I see you. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not exciting anymore? I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I’m not the same anymore. I’m sorry if I’m not the same person anymore. But I try now. I always try, right? I just feel so unacknowledged now. I feel invincible.
Please love me harder. I need it from you. Your love is the only love I need, the only love I thrive on. Your love is one of the few things worth waking up for. I’m sorry if I seem so demanding. I’m not saying you don’t love me enough, but sometimes I feel like you forget why you love me. Please never forget. Please tell me you love me. Please let me remember why.
Please kiss me without me having to ask for some. Please hold me hand in public and private places without me having to ask for it first. Please hug me whenever you see me. Please touch me. Please play with my hair. Please look at me with love. Please talk to me with love in your voice. Please look at me instead of your phone. Please talk to me like I’m your lover. Please touch me. Please love me harder. Please make me a cup of coffee sometimes. Please smile when you’re around me. Please at least look excited to see me once you come home. Please greet me better than the way you greet your cats. I’ve been waiting for you too just like them. I miss you.
You’re my best friend. You’re my girlfriend. You’re my partner. You’re the love of my life. I’m only telling you this because I feel like as my partner, you should know how I’m feeling in this relationship. And as of right now, I feel a bit lonely. It’s not your fault. I’m only telling you this because I really want us to work. I want us to be open with each other without judgement. I want us to talk to each other with boundaries. I’m emailing this to you so could process it better and longer. I want you to read my words and see between the lines.
I’m sorry if this letter is unorganized or erratic. I just want it raw and honest. I don’t want it to sound so made up. You know me. You know my tone.
I love you so much. You know that right? I want to feel as if it’s the two of us in love, not just me. I’m telling you my insecurities about this relationship because I know you’ll be the only to understand me. I’m not attacking you. I’m being vulnerable to you. I’m letting everything out for you. You are my one and only true best friend. I want us to feel in love again.
I want sweet messages again. I want cute loves notes. I want little surprises. I want playful flirting. I want dates. I want holdings hands. I want clinginess. I want hugs in the middle of crowds. I want stolen kisses. I want dirty whispering. I want us to be dating again.
I don’t know. I’m just sorry for being so emotional. I just love you so much. I know we can fix this together. I know we can go through this together. I know this is something the both of us have to work on. It’s not just you. It’s all about us. The both of us.
I love you. I love you, my love. I love you, my little brat. I miss our cute nicknames for each other. I just don’t want us to stop trying anymore. I love you.
We can do this. I know we can. We always have.
P.S. I know I said I’ll be sleeping on the couch, but you know I can never resist you. Even if I’m sort of pissed at you, I still want to sleep next to you. Being beside you is my comfort zone and I can never stay away from you.
P.S. I love you.
P.S. Thank you for staying with me.
P.S. I miss you.